Wisdom

Last Sunday, Pastor Clay preached on wisdom. He defined wisdom as seeing life from God's point of view and making decisions in the way God would make decisions. The Bible clearly states (James 1:5) that the way we get wisdom is simply by asking for it.

Pastor Clay spent the last part of his sermon asking us to test ourselves and our wisdom. I may elaborate on this portion of the sermon later as it was convicting and shed light on some other areas I need to be working on in my walk with the Lord.

As a result of seeing wisdom as making decisions the way God makes decisions and the conviction that I have a lot of room to grow in my wisdom, I have been spending time in prayer asking the Lord for wisdom. I have big life changes coming my way at the end of July and I want to make sure that the decisions I will be making are wise.

Last week I attended a POMLE (Professors of Middle Level Education) symposium/conference in Boone. One of the principals that I had contacted expressing interest in a position he had open was in attendance. This was good for two reasons: I got to have an interview there, in Boone, with him and didn't have to drive an hour to his school and all of my professors were there. They were all kind enough to take time out of their day and speak to him about me. It doesn't get much better than 7 face-to-face references speaking up for you!

This principal had a couple positions open that I am qualified for and one that I was very interested in. I expressed my interest to him in the interview and talked to several of my professors about it. They were excited that I might have that opportunity my first year. The position was for a teacher in a Exceptional Children classroom with 10-12 students. In this classroom, there would also be an EC teacher, and a teacher assistant. Three adults for 10-12 students--two experienced adults--a great learning opportunity for a first year teacher! It sounded like a great possibility. He told me that he would call me the first of the next week (this week) and we would talk more about it. Although I was very excited about this potential opportunity, even at the beginning of the week, I was not 100% percent ready to accept a job. I had several questions to ask and wanted to visit the school.

Tuesday rolls around; I'm working at the church, which has no cell phone signal so my phone goes straight to voice mail. So frustrating! I emailed the principal Tuesday night so we could coordinate a time to talk on Wednesday since I would be working at the church again with no cell phone signal. He gave me a time to call, but was unavailable when I called. Then, my phone died and I didn't get home to charge it until 9pm that night. I didn't have a voice mail from him, so I am guessing he didn't try to call me back. I emailed him again on Thursday (still working at the church with no cell signal) and we arranged a time to talk.

I call him Thursday afternoon and we finally get to talk. He begins the conversation by telling me he wants me on his staff for the next school year. (That was encouraging and exciting to hear) Then, he goes into explaining the position he wants to offer me. And, begins describing a position that he had mentioned at the conference, but I had immediately dismissed in my head in our original conversation. This position would be for a new program they are starting for students with mental health issues (e.g., depression, anger issues). I would be the teacher and would have two other counselors with me. So, it sounds like three adults, but the counselors are only there to counsel, not help with instruction. I would have the students with me all day (aka no planning). I would have 7th and 8th graders and would be responsible for teaching all four content areas (aka 8 different curricula to be familiar with). The logistics for the program are still being worked out and not every detail has been decided on or worked out. However, he knows he has this position for next year and offered it to me. (see where the wisdom issue is coming in?) I told him I needed to think about it and would get back to him.

*Side note* You may be wondering about the other position as was I. After interviewing for these positions, he had two people in mind: me and another girl. He felt the other girl was more timid and might not have strong classroom management skills. So, he wanted her in the other classroom where she would have two other experienced adults with her to help out. It was flattering and nice of him to have such confidence in me, a first year teacher with no experience, to offer me the other position. Maybe all of my professors ranting and raving to him about me at the conference wasn't such a good idea...just kidding!

Hang up the phone. Start praying. Decide I need to talk it out with several people: Stephen, Stephanie, my friend who will also be a first year teacher next year, and one of my professors. Ricky, my friend who is starting his first year next year, texted me while I was on the phone with the principal. So, I talked to him first. His first response was, "Don't be picky! Just do it!" Then, I explained it and he said, "Not so sure about that one..." Then, Steph called [I wanted to talk to Stephen about it in person and was on the way to meet him...he wasn't third in line on purpose] she encouraged me to do what I thought was best, but didn't think it was such a good idea either. I didn't even get through explaining the position before Stephen said, "No. Don't do it." Then, I talked to my professor who also strongly discouraged it. I knew that these three people would see things the same way I did. This professor and I are a lot alike and think the same way. However, she is great at shedding light on situations and helping me see things I might miss. So, although she confirmed all of my reservations about the situation, I knew that if I was missing a great opportunity or some small detail that I was absent mindedly dismissing, she would bring it to my attention.

By this point, it is 9:30 pm. Five-ish hours have passed. I get home hang out for a bit with the family. I had mentioned it to dad before I left the house to go meet Stephen, but mom wasn't home yet. So, I told her about it and let them know I would not be taking the job. They were both supportive of my decision. Then, as I laid down to go to sleep, I was praying and realized I had not prayed about it since I first got off the phone with the principal 6-7 hours earlier, when I asked for wisdom. I felt I had missed a major piece of communication. As I began to apologize to the Lord and seek His wisdom in prayer, He calmed my heart and softly spoke to me, "I have showed you wisdom through the conversations you have had tonight." At that point, an overwhelming peace came over me and I knew I had made the right decision, but only because He had given me the wisdom to do so! I love when the Holy Spirit speaks to me like that!

I have been praying about this job search for a while. We all know that the economy sucks and to quote an assistant superintendent, "Unfortunately, you are seeking a teaching position in the midst of the worst educational crisis in history." Things aren't good and a lot of people are jumping at jobs the second they come to them. However, I know my God has a plan for me. The economy doesn't scare me. The lack of teaching jobs doesn't scare me. The lack of money doesn't scare me. My God is bigger than all of that and He knows what is best for me and what His will is for me. I may not be in a classroom in the fall and I'm okay with that as long as I am in His will. I don't know what the future holds. The unknown does freak me out from time to time, but I trust my Heavenly Father and the plans He has for me. I will wait for his timing and guidance!

Thank you, Lord, for offering and giving wisdom.

High Dive

Do you remember when you were little and got on a high dive for the first time? If you're like me, it probably wasn't long after you finally got brave enough to jump off of the low dive and be in the deep end by yourself. That first time for me was at Eno Valley's pool in Durham. My knees got shaky the closer I got to the top. I wondered if I would belly flop and yell like the guy in front of me did. I wondered if I would be able to hold my breath long enough. It was 12ft of water I was jumping into. Fear. Did I jump the first time I got up there? No. Was I able to stay standing to pass the rails? No. Did I get on my hands and knees and crawl back to the stairs to go down? Yes. And, I did not care that there was a line behind me having to wait on me to get down the stairs with my shaky knees. Because of my fear, I turned back and didn't do it.

It took me several more tries, progressing a little further each time, before I finally jumped. I even got all the way to the edge a few times and still chickened out. Finally, one day, I jumped. And, my stomach felt like it was in my throat. I landed without a belly flop and made it up before I ran out of breath. It was awesome! And, I did it again. And, again. And, again. My knees still get shaky as I walk pass the rails. And, my stomach still feels like it is in my throat, but it's so much fun! And, I always want to do it again.

Life can feel like this at times. But, we don't always have the option to go back. The low dive and deep water for me, I feel like, was high school. Then, I got brave enough to head toward the high dive. I got a little ways up the stairs my first year at Elon. And, a little farther when I got brave enough to transfer to App. I actually made it onto the board and walked towards the end when I finished my 4 years and graduated. I don't know if grad school was step back in fear of the deep waters ahead or a few more steps forward. Either way, I am quickly approaching the end of my graduate work and the end of the high dive. However, there is no turning back from here. I no longer have the option to turn around and crawl back down. But, the scariest thing is I can't see what lies ahead. I don't know if the waters are clear, or muddy. Rough, or calm. Or, a mixture of all. All I know is that I have to jump. And, I am scared to death.

I am leaving Boone, but I don't know where I am going. I don't know where I'll be living. I don't know where I'll be working. I don't know. Even as I typed all of these "I don't know" statements my freak out level reached an all time high. You see, I like to be in control and know what's going to happen. However, that's not how my Savior works. He calls me to trust in Him. He knows what the future holds and as long as I am willing to follow His guidance, I'll be fine. The thing is, I know this and I know His plans are best for me, always. I just struggle when it comes down to me putting my total trust in Him; because, like I said, I want control. But, His Spirit quietly whispers to my heart,

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

And, let me tell you, His peace really does surpass all understanding. When I run to Him in prayer with thanksgiving, His peace is like no other feeling.

Lord, as my heart and soul worries and is anxious about the future and the unknowns, as my knees shake in fear while I prepare to jump, fill me with your peace. Guard my heart and mind. Take captive of my thoughts and quiet my anxious spirit. Thank you for your peace and guidance. Help me to follow your will. I surrender my desire for control. I know your plans are better for me than anything I could think up. Your will be done. Be glorified through me. Love, me.